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Jeremiah Gripes

What follows are some morbid tales.
Please heed them well, my friend.
The ‘good life’ may in fact have perks,
But some may be your end.


Ann was fond of sushi.
Her knives were carbon steel.
A pity that she slit her wrist
While slicing up an eel.

Bob’s Italian import
Made espresso and frothed cream.
He often played barista
Till his mishap with the steam.

Carl went to his beach house
And dined on fruits de mer.
The cops blamed red tide oysters
When his wife ID’d him there.

“It’s better to look good, you know,
Than feel good,” quoted Donna.
Après mud-bath at the spa,
She wilted in the sauna.

Erin watched the Tour de France
And thought the style had flair.
She didn’t sport a helmet though.
She found it mussed her hair.

Frank was on the freeway
And thought he’d send a text.
I needn’t tell you more this line.
You know what happened next.

“Humboldt at five Bens an ounce!
It seems a sin to cough!”
When Greg inhaled, he held his breath,
Got high, then floated off.

Harvey liked a fine cigar
And satisfied his humor.
He smoked them after every meal
Until that pesky tumor.

Ivan bought a barber-vac
And thought it was très kitsch.
No one’s seen him since the day
He hit the ‘Hi Vol’ switch.

Jenny said, “I think I’m fat.”
“I’m fat, I think,” she thought.
Now, post-third-world liposuck,
She’s finally down to naught.

Kevin took his single malts
With water or just neat.
One night he drank a bit too much
And toppled off his seat.

Lucy kept her Oppos loud
And bopped to every beat.
Too bad she didn’t hear that bus
While crossing Houston Street.

“He isn’t what I thought he’d be,”
Said Mimi of her spouse.
Alex was (one hopes) asleep
When Meems burned down their house.

Nina liked to trot the globe
And trekked to many lands.
In Egypt, when the wind kicked up,
She vanished in the sands.

Yoga poses were the rage,
So Opal learned a few.
Doing backward asanas
She split herself in two.

Paul’s wife finally got him pills.
(It’d been years for them no doubt).
Thirty vigorous hours later
She found she’d worn him out.

Quentin was still quite the jock –
Played pick-up at the court.
A double stroke, the Med-Evac,
And now it’s life support.

“So good I’ll have another,”
Was Rick’s gormandizing phrase.
His coronary didn’t shock
All those who watched him graze.

“These warehouse stores are great,” Steve said
While climbing up a shelf.
He lost his footing near the roof
And still isn’t quite himself.

Tara bought new home décor
And just had to paint her rooms.
She spent three weeks faux-finishing
Then perished from the fumes.

Have you heard of Ursula,
The connoisseuse of wines?
She should’ve used a corkscrew,
Or a pull with less sharp tines.

Victor drove a lifted truck,
(That ride of manly men).
One day he took it out off road
And sank into a fen.

Wendy was, by night, punk rock,
By day a quiet clerk.
Her colleagues found her at her desk,
Done in by boring work.

Xavier watched cooking shows
And thought he’d try flambé.
The ER docs, above the smoke,
Declared him DOA.

“A snowboard run? I’m hella stoked!”
Said Yves on Sugarbush.
One unwise air and down he went,
Teakettle over tush.

Zoe learned to meditate
While visiting Sonoma.
From practice she soon got so calm
She went into a coma.


What lessons can we learn, my friend,
From ‘good lives’ ended thus?
Don’t eat, don’t drink, don’t shop, twice think –
(And watch out for the bus).